Tip #12 Choosing Cheer; Live, Laugh, and Love Revamped

     I always say that cheer is a choice. And for most, it is. It's certainly more difficult to consistently make that choice, especially under extenuating circumstances like depression, and, say, oh I don't know... recovery? Yes, of course it is. But it's still possible. And the common phrase "Live, Laugh, Love" is always in the back of my mind as the factors that make choosing cheer possible in the face of recovery. However, in the context of recovery I find it easier to switch the order of those three little but mighty words.
     For instance, in regular life, you might think of the phrase Live, Laugh, Love with the words in that exact order (at least, that's what is written on the wooden cutout hung on my living-room wall). From what I gather asking friends and family about what that phrase means for them, the gist is:
Live Enjoy life to it's fullest. Try things you haven't before. Be adventurous.
Laugh Have fun doing the above. Do things for joy and make sure that you laugh in life.
Love Be open to love. Love life and love others.
     And that is all fine and good. It's wonderful in fact; I love that phrase and it's accepted meaning. Really, I do. But, in the recovery revamp I think the words should read in the opposite order, and we should take the definitions a little bit deeper. There's nothing wrong with either way, but looking only at the recovery process, I would do it this way, so, here we go.
Love Love God, love your spouse, your kids, your friends. Love hard. Think of them in all of this stuff too, not just yourself and your pain. Your loved ones are working hard and stressed and worried and in pain, too. Don't take your relationships for granted.
Laugh Laugh at yourself. This is not to say that you shouldn't get upset, cry, and/or rant and rave about all of the ugly stuff that comes with illness, trauma, and the recovery thereof. Of course not. But if you can laugh, life is better. At least I think so. I'll give you a personal example. I've been on a lot more pain meds (3 times my regular dose) for the last week or two, and I'm not quite functioning overly well all things considered - my brain feels a lot like Melba toast. My hubby was away for work for the night this week, and L, who does my regular afternoon care graciously agreed to stay over to help out.
     As I was standing at the sink brushing my teeth before bed, I looked down and said "Huh, that's funny. I guess I stayed in my pajama's all day. That's weird that I didn't notice that." L's reply was "Val, you just changed into them 5 minutes ago. I just brought them to you and you literally just changed." Needless to say, the medications melted my brain, and I didn't believe her; I thought that she was being silly. Of course with my arrogance and confusion in tact I though I was right. How could I possibly forget that I had just changed? It wasn't possible. I've got an amazing memory (sorry to toot my own horn), so, she must be overtired or confused. The more I thought about it, I thought that yes, of course she's mistaken- she's tired. That was indeed the most logical conclusion.
     It was a ridiculous conclusion. She was the one with the clear head, and thank goodness there was someone in the house with a clear head, because I clearly didn't! Still, she had to spend about 5-10 minutes trying to convince me about changing the PJ's, and I was having none of it. She even promised me it was so, and eventually, I burst out laughing. I finally remembered the sequence of events, and she was of course 100% right! Her kindness in trying her hardest not to laugh at me until I had had that revelation was funny too. We laughed so hard we were crying. And every few minutes after that, a giggle would escape from me, and I would shake my head and be amazed that I could be so ridiculous, and so obstinate in my opinion that I was not being that way! Too bad I forgot the changing of the PJ's instead of forgetting the inability to remember changing the PJ's! Oh well, that's okay - it was worth it for a good laugh.
     And it really was worth it. The two choices in that instance were a) get mad, angry with the state of affairs, cry at the injustice of it, be embarrassed and withdrawn about it, etc. or b) laugh. We chose to laugh. I do wish that I was capable of laughing more. It's always a goal and the Lord knows I get myself into enough silly circumstances to practice that response! And, no, laughing isn't always the best strategy, but when it is I highly recommend being able to laugh at yourself (and me in this case too!).

And finally, 

Live This one is easier than it sounds. To me, in the context of recovery, live is not meant to be literal (as in physically live or die), but figurative. Whether or not you are expected to "survive" the illness, to me, if you are loving as above, and laughing as above, well then, then you are truly living.

     Three little words, one gigantic impact on quality of life.
  
Happy Living!

Tip #301 Picture Perfect; An apple a day...

    They say that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Unfortunately, when recovering from severe illness and/or trauma,  I don't think a truckload of apples could have the power to do that! Don't discount apples entirely though - there are some very good uses for apples in the recovery process, however unconventional. Allow me to introduce you to the "Slushicle" and why you might like it (see picture to your right).  A Slushicle is a hybrid of a popsicle a slushy, and ice chips, and made with real, diluted apple juice.
     Why would you want a slushicle, ice, or a popsicle in the first place? Well, for starters, medications are often required in recovery the process - that's just the way it is. And, although every medication works in a different way or on a different issue, there are some very common side effects such as nausea, vommitting, and dry-mouth. Gee, isn't that wonderful? Can't wait to take the next dose (LOL)!  But I digress.... The point is that similar to ice chips or popsicles, a Slushicles can help to alleviate those symptoms in most people. And as an aside, kids love them too it seems, they're the "special popsicles" they get when they're sick that make them feel better. Who knew!
     If you have one of those fancy refrigerators at home that you can just put your glass to and magically have ice chips, that's great! In that case you might not want to make Slushicles, but then again, you might... And for those of us with magic-less ice makers, here are some of the benefit of Slushicles over traditional popsicles or ice chips. Slushicles a) are yummier, b) they don't freeze as hard as only water and so they are easy to break by hand, c) they're easier to eat than an actual popsicle - especially if you are in bed d) they make it easy to adjust the portion size for what works for you... e) because they can be crushed by hand so easily, there's no need to buy/use an ice machine, blender, slushie maker, ice pic, etc. and f) they're not high calorie, nor are they hard on the mouth for those with mouth sores from medical treatments.
      I'm sure that you could make these yummy concoctions with different kinds of juices, but beware that all juice is not created equally. Some of the more acidic juices (even straight apple juice) aren't so helpful for mouth sores, or a very upset stomach. Some types of juice/drinks freeze differently than they taste normally (iced tea becomes bitter), and some freeze harder than others, making it tricky to crush it with your fingers. And, apple juice, well, it's just good, and good for you too:)
     A slightly more unconventional way of having this apple concoction is by not "having" it at all. As it turns out, they make a great little ice pack. As long as the bag is sealed well it can take some good pressure without leaking, and without risk of frostbite. For instance, if there are sores on the back from chicken pox, or hives it's easy to put the bags where you want them to soothe the inflamed skin. And, they'll melt before the cold can do any harm. I wouldn't recommend eating them after using them as ice though.
     So, if you want to make these beauties for yourself, here's how: dilute apple juice with water (almost half and half), and put 30ml (2 Tbsp) of it in a small snack-size ziplock bag (sandwich sized in the picture above). Stick them in the freezer and then you're done. Once frozen, the ice inside the bag is very easy to break with your fingers. Dump the contents into a glass with a spoon and presto-magico, you have a slushicle.
Note: If you're planning on making them, the big trick is to let most of the air out of each bag, and to lay them as flat as possible in a tupperware container, stacked on one another before freezing. If you want to make them regularly, I'd also suggest buying a 60ml syringe (you can buy them at a home care supply place, some larger pharmacies, and/or even some vet clinics too!).
  
Happy slushicle-ing!

Tip #216 Relative Relations AND Patience Patients; A Call for a Superhero

     "It's a bird, it's a plane, er, well, okay it's not Superman, but it is still a very valuable superhero; it's Captain Decision-Maker!" Captain Decision-Maker? Well, in my estimation he's as much of a superhero as Superman or Spider man could ever be. Unfortunately however, she/he's also just as fictional.
    My amazingly intelligent friend Miss K.W (she's socially brilliant too), was the first to introduce me to the phrase "I'm feeling decision-powerless right now." I don't know if she coined the phrase or if it's a well-known (ish) colloquialism, but I bet she did coin it. It literally means what it says "decision-powerless" but it's so much more than that, too.  Let's take a stab at the 5 W's...
What
Decision-Powerlessness is the feeling of a lack of power to make a decision. One would think it is the feeling of a lack of power to make a good decision, but it's not; it's any decision.
When
This state-of-being is apt to happen when one is overtired, overwhelmed, and/or overly emotional. It often happens when one is in copious amounts of pain, extremely fearful/fretful, and any other stressful situation that affects one's ability to think.
To Whom
I couldn't decide whether to put this topic in "relative relations" or in "patience patients," as I'm not sure who experiences decision powerlessness more often, or to a greater degree. I suppose it might also apply to medical professionals too - though one would hope much less often! But I digress... in the end, I've decided to put it in both categories, and I won't know until this is posted whether that will work (new blogger and all), but here's hoping.
Why
Because illness and recovery and trauma happen to people. Real people. And it's hard. Really hard.
How (to manage it)
How to manage it is a tough one to answer because oftentimes the solution requires making more decisions. but in my experience (as patient, caregiver, and professional), I'd say start here:
A) Call for Captain Decision-Maker.... oh, if it was only that easy! Okay, seriously,
a) Try to remove yourself from any additional stimuli (other than the usual stress of recovery), be it particularly stressful or not. For example, turn off the TV or send the neighbour home so there is less info to process.
b) Admit to yourself and any other relevant person in the situation that you are feeling decision-powerless. Actually use the phrase, don't beat around the bush. And, if no one's around to hear you, say it anyway. Naming it seems to give it less power, and there is no shame in feeling that way.
c)  Once you've declared it,

• If it is not an urgent decision to make, wait to make it until you are feeling stronger.
• If it is urgent ask someone you trust to help make the decision with you. 
• If it's a small thing with no time-sensitivity in the grand scheme of things (what movie to watch or what to eat), ask someone to make it for you. And yes, decision-powerlessness can even (well, often) apply to these types of situations too.

d) Go to sleep or do something for joy - or perhaps, both. Everything is better when we're more rested, and doing something for joy is refreshing.
     If you are not the one feeling decision-powerless, and would like to be the superhero Captain Decision-Maker that swoops in to save the day, be very careful. Remember that with great power comes great responsibility. So, if the one feeling decision-powerless does not send out the bat signal (or the equivalent), it's not a good idea to barge in and try to save the day.
   But, in my books you are a superhero if you assist someone to go through the steps above. That doesn't mean that you don't get a say in a decision, it just means you don't get the say. Never fear though, if you are the superhero type you will never be completely out of work - there are many situations in recovery where Captain Decision-Maker is not just wanted, but desperately needed. It's a fine line to walk, and a line with much trial and error for both parties. But stay the course, I believe that with understanding and a lot of practice, like Spider man, your "spidy senses" will kick in and guide you, and both the ones recovering and the ones doing the care giving will be better for it.

Happy deciding!



  

Tip #33 Patience Patients: Playing the Pain Game (with a small addendum)

Okay, so here's a little addendum to this post: I wrote it last night while in considerable pain, so it seemed fitting. I neglected to mention in the first sentence that the game I talk about the entire time is the pain game:)

     If it were a board-game sold in a game store, I don't think you'd find a line up of people waiting for their chance to buy one. Unless you're some kind of masochist that is... but I'm not, so I don't want it. Unfortunately for me (and for many of you or your loved ones I'm sure), the game store fairies have decided that we are going to play their game anyway. Darn fairies....
     What does one do with a game one does not like? Ever hear the line "If you can't beat them, join them?" Call me crazy, but I say joining is not an option. Winning must happen at any cost. So, when in hospital to get a new IV started, I will force myself not to blink, while staring into the eyes of the medical personnel. When I dislocate a shoulder, I make sure you can't see the pain on my face. When I can't sleep because of he pain, I have a little talk with the pain and make sure the pain knows that it can't make a home here - I am not letting it control my life. My faith in God is what ultimately gives me relief and comfort, and makes it easier to cope with the pain and the situation as a whole. And, because of that faith, when I can't do everything I want to or need to do,  it gives me the strength to do the things I can.
     Now, the one hitch with the pain game that makes me especially successful at it is that it's my prerogative to change the rules whenever I want - as each situation is a bit different:) . The only non-negotiable rule is that the pain can't win. Sometimes this means giving into the crying that can come when the pain has been feeling unmanageable for a few days, or allowing myself to be frustrated and/or sad that the pain is here at all. I'd like to add a caveat to that though -  I don't think it's healthy to spend all day each day focusing on the pain. If this is the case for you, perhaps a meeting with the family physician/specialist/pharmacist/ is in order. Know however that I say all of that while recognizing that the pain is going to have an effect on my quality of life each day, and some days are going to be worse than others. All of that aside and back to the non-negotiable winning against pain, I am also comforted to  know that whatever particular type of agonizing pain I have, well, it is not going to be forever. Tomorrow will be better (unless it's really not better. In that case I try again to say the pain will be better the following day).  Fortunately for me (and as I said above), it's my prerogative to change the rules or the details associated with the pain game any time I want.  I feel okay with that (undefeated) because it shows that I have at least some semblance of control over how I respond to the pain (even if I can't change the nature of the pain itself). It's good to feel like you can so something at all with respect to pain.
      So, I don't know what kind of game will help you (if any will at all), but that's what I do, so I thought I'd share it in the off chance that it may be helpful to you as you wage your own battle with pain. I want to qualify that and say that I do not stop taking pain meds, or rejecting medical advice in my battle with pain... Instead, I think it's smart to use whatever resources you have in your arsenal that will help you cope with your pain. To me, the pain game is simply one more piece of ammunition alongside whatever meds I need, and treatment (like physio) I get. Does anyone else out there play the pain game? If you do, you're not alone, and (I may be biased here), you are not crazy!
  
 Happy winning!

Tip #211 Choosing Cheer; The Teeter-Totter Effect

     Remember when you were little and you would sit on the teeter-totter with your friends and have a blast going up and down for what seemed like hours on end but was likely only a few minutes? If you sat just right, held your breath just so, and leaned in the right direction, it was sometimes possible to experience that feeling of being suspended when logic dictates it shouldn't be possible given the inequity of weight. That perfect balance, that pinnacle, it's a wonderful thing. If you can achieve that balance during the recovery process now too, well, that would be a wonderful thing (figuratively speaking:) ). However, at the same time be aware that this does take effort. And sometimes - well sometimes that's just not possible; the effort is too overwhelming. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's regroup.
     In my estimation the two sides of a teeter-totter are a) the effort you put into getting better and b) quality of life. Now, as with any teeter-totter ride, one side can drastically affect the other. Some of us fall into patterns where it is all work and no play. It's easy to put everything you have into recovery so that you will recover faster. No one (at least no sane person) wants to be ill or confined for a moment longer than necessary. So, you work your tail off in the hopes you get better faster. But, be aware that while working hard to get better should be a high priority, there are some pitfalls. For instance,  if you spend too much time and energy trying to get better in order to increase quality of life, you can easily lose sight of actually having said quality of life until you're better.
     Whether recovery takes 10 days, 10 weeks, or 10 years, it's a long time for you and those around you to experience a significant loss in quality of life just because effort is not focused there, but on recovery instead (recognizing of course that quality of life is always decreased when you or your loved one become ill/experience trauma in the first place). Besides, in my experience, putting a reasonable amount of effort into quality of life actually makes the recovery faster, better, more efficient, and easier with which to cope, not the opposite. This is true for caregivers, family members, and any other loved ones, too. On the flip side, having too much of, or only a focus on quality of life you can run into some pitfalls here, too. Recovery isn't usually spontaneous - people have to actually work at it. All play and no work doesn't really get you anywhere either.
    No, achieving balance isn't easy. Things are different in "recovery life." Abilities and energy are compromised in the recovery life.  To have your attention and energy required for so many things in so many directions is difficult. You have obligations and responsibilities that are not always possible to maintain as a result of the illness or trauma, and you often feel guilty that you cannot do anything about it. To say it's hard is a great understatement. I'm not going to say at all that you aren't doing enough, or that now you have to do even more to achieve a better quality of life. I'm not going to patronize you and say that you need to do anything in particular. I'm not living in your shoes, and your illness is different than mine. Your regular life is different from mine, too, and mine is different than the next.
     So no, I won't tell you what to do, but I will suggest that you take a self-inventory and ask yourself where you are on that teeter-totter. Are you at one extreme or the other? Have you looked at those around you lately and really looked at them for who they are and what they mean to you, not for what they do? Do you plan things for joy (even small things, like eating a bowl of froot loops)? Have you made an effort to show your loved ones how important they are to you? Have you periodically planned things you can look forward to, and then look fondly back on? Are you practicing self-care activities (journaling, writing in blog, having a nap... whatever makes you feel good and peaceful)? Sometimes we get stuck in a rut, and don't evaluate where we are in life. Simply figuring out where you stand is a solid first step to improving things.
     The especially good news is that it takes very little to start to get that teeter-totter moving in the right direction. You may not be able to make a single change today, tomorrow, or next week. That's okay, and is to be expected sometimes - it's the nature of the trauma/illness. If you can do something that you know will make your quality of life improve, just remember that nothing needs to be extravagant...nothing over the top. Even if right now you can only keep in mind where you want to be, well, that is a helpful mindset.  Teeter-totter rides have a lot of ups and downs, and so it's okay not to be up right now - you're still in the game and can get back up soon.
     So, Bravo to those of you who have this balance figured out already, and are continuing to put in the effort (mentally and/or physically) to keep yourself at that pinnacle of balance. And if you're only figuring this part out about the recovery process then be encouraged that teeny tiny things can drastically alter that teeter-totter ride. Better yet, teeter-totters even give you lots of feedback about what is working and what isn't. If you pay attention to that, you will get so much closer to that sweet spot where everything is balanced. And if it's just not possible to balance it, well, hang on for the ride - even just getting close to that middle made us happy as kids, and these days has the potential to be pretty darn good too. Getting close to that pinnacle is a pinnacle moment too!

Happy balancing!

  

Tip #431 Nutrition Nuggets; What Goes Up Must come down?

    I'm a fact girl. Knowledge is exciting to me. Well, I guess I should clarify that - knowledge that is not related to physics is exciting to me. Yes, I know that laws of physics affect us in immeasurable ways all day, each day. I get that, I just choose to ignore it.  So, you can imagine my surprise to learn that we can magically alter the laws of physics while recovering from illness. Huh? Yep, we can. You know that saying "What comes us, must come down...?" The group Blood, Sweat, & Tears (from the 60's) even made a song called Spinnin' Wheel out of that line. Well, they're wrong. I said it alright. They're wrong! Okay, well, maybe they are not wrong exactly, but there is a small loophole; what comes up doesn't have to come down! Save your protests please, I promise that I am not an anti-gravitite (not even sure if there is such a thing!)!
     In all seriousness, of course we can't really alter any of the laws of physics, but what we can do is challenge some of our assumptions about how we manage the illness that so deeply affects us and our loved ones. Instead of continuing to blindly follow the crowd, and/or accepting the status quo, we should periodically reevaluate the assumptions that we make about everyday topics that now trouble us. For instance, with respect to nutrition we all make one very large assumption: what goes up (into the mouth), must come down (out the other end).  That's how we get nourishment. For that matter, we also say that "a moment on the lips (what goes up), a lifetime on the hips (must come down)!" That's how we get more than nourished :)  Either way, we've established a pattern of the food having one purpose - moving from the top to bottom, just like the song. That's it's job and that's how it works. Well, that's fine. But here's where the wheels fall off -  many of us make assumptions that because something works in a particular way (has a job per se) that that is the only way it can ever be.
     A few years ago my sister B. (brilliant woman) challenged my top-down assumption. Just because you can't swallow, it doesn't mean that you can't put food into your mouth, taste it, chew it or suck on it, and then spit it out. [NOTE: Again, always check with your medical team members before making any changes to your routine. The information herein may not apply to your particular situation]. There are many people who are diagnosed with medical conditions that affect their ability to swallow, and as a result many express unhappiness with their quality of life. So, I suggest that when illness compromises quality of life, we should attempt to reevaluate the standard assumptions that surround that area of our life.  Something like eating is such a social practice in our society that if the person recovering could participate in the social event by eating something (and there are very discreet ways of spitting the food out into a napkin for example) while the others are actually eating, their quality of life would improve.
     I know that such a suggestion sounds so simple and, maybe it doesn't seem like a big paradigm shift to you at all. Maybe you've got all of this figured out already, and if so, that is fantastic! However, the first time I heard it  I felt silly for having never thought of something so simple that made so much sense (especially such sense of the common variety!). People recovering from strokes, certain types of cancer, and infections who are not able to swallow properly (this is called dysphagia) could enjoy a much greater quality of life not only by being able to participate socially as above, but simply having the opportunity to enjoy tasting their favourite foods (or any foods) each day. Eating is such a huge part of life. Even doing small things like moving dinner into the living room (if that is the only room where the one recovering can be) can make a huge difference in quality of life. By doing that, even if the one recovering is not eating, they are able to participate in the meal, and the banter that occurs during the meal. I do realize that this is not rocket science, I really do. But, we have so many ingrained perceptions of what our activities of daily living are supposed to look like that it seems easy to lose sight of the small ways in which we can challenge those ingrained assumptions and monumentally improve our quality of life as a result. Just remember, you have the ability to improve your quality of life. We all do. And that, well, that's a fact.

Happy assumption challenging!
  

  

Tip #18 Picture Perfect; Are You Hot or Not?

     No, I'm not talking about your appearance... I'm talking about being physically warm! Are you nice and toasty warm? If our house didn't have any heat today, we'd have been frozen solid - we had several inches of snow today. It sure is pretty, but it's darn cold too!

     If you are a homeowner, there is a lot to know in terms of the "mechanics" of your house (hot water heater, fuse panel, etc.). This beauty is our new wood furnace. Why should you care about my furnace? Well, it would be odd if you did I must say, so it's a good thing you don't. But my point is that you've now seen just as much of our wood furnace as I have. It's downstairs and, well, I'm not. But, lucky for me, my thoughtful hubby took a picture of it for me.

    Why did I need to see it? At one time, when I was quite ill, the water heater needed to be reset. I couldn't go downstairs, and so I described what was what in the basement to my friend K. K came upstairs with pictures. She had listened to my instructions (press the red button on the third grey "appliance" beside the red furnace on the left side of the wood pile - what's so confusing about that? LOL!), and came upstairs with pictures on her BlackBerry, asking for clarification. It was SO handy to have the pictures, and order and hot water were restored!

     So, when we got the new furnace, I got instructions and a picture to go with them. I recommend having someone do this for you, too. It makes life so much easier - and in this case, warmer too!

Happy picture-taking!

Tip #344 Relative Relations; Happy Wife, Happy Life

     Happy Wife, Happy Life? How many times have you heard that expression and then laughed your head off? Well, in some cases it may be true, in some not so much. I say that if you put your spouse first in life (man or woman), then you have a happier marriage. Being giving is good.
     What I find amazing is that I have come across many who either don't know that, or who do, but have no idea what to do about it: "I'm in bed - what could I possibly do for my spouse" or "He's in bed- ill, what could I possibly do for him to make him feel better? It won't change anything, he'll still be sick."
I think that there are a bunch of things that you can do, be you caregiver or the one recovering. Here's just  a few suggestions - easily adaptable if your relationship is other than spouse to spouse:

Those of you recovering:

• Always say please and thank you for everything done for you - even especially the routine items that you no longer have to ask for
• Each day,  encourage them: for keeping a job and doing this, for being a great spouse...
• Wait until they're up and in the kitchen before asking them to do something for you there
• If you can't sleep and they can, do all you can to help them stay sleeping.  Be as quiet as a mouse.
• Before going to bed, make any preparations you need to so that you don't have to wake up your spouse in the night 
• Keep a gratitude journal -  the happier and the more thankful you are despite your circumstances, the more your spouse will be the same.
• Take care of them, via others if necessary. Set your alarm to remind them of things for their care. And if you have an alternate caregiver ask them to make supper for your spouse, etc.
• Find out about their day. What happened at work, what is going on in other parts of their life, how are they coping, etc.  It's not all about you and how you feel.
• Share your life and your heart, which will include great things, and how hard it is to face what you are facing. But, if you need to complain incessantly about it, do so with friends or a professional, not your spouse. 
• Look at your loved one as a loved one, and do everything you can to make them feel that way.
• You get the gist.

Caregivers:

• Recognize the items done for you by or on behalf of the loved one recovering, and be thankful.
• Try to recognize progress. Are they sitting up or doing something that they couldn't yesterday?
• Look at your loved one as a loved one, not as a patient. Look at them as a survivor, they have fought hard to be where they are.
• Love is showing up. Show up.
• It's okay for you to be upset about the state of your life, but don't be upset with your spouse about something they can't change. For instance, be frustrated that you have to do things you don't like to do (help give a needle, dress a wound, etc.), but don't be upset with your spouse about it. Instead, share in that anger, sorrow, and frustration.... Don't make the your spouse feel even more helpless that they can't fix it, can't change it, and can't help it. They feel bad enough already that you have to do anything at all for them. Instead, let it bring you closer by sharing those emotions. And if you need to complain incessantly about it, do so with friends or a professional, not your spouse. 

Okay, so I think you get the gist on both ends. If I had to sum it up in one sentence, I'd say Love each other. If I get a second sentence, I say Put all of the illness stuff aside, look at each other the same as you did before the illness (but even better and stronger now), and love and appreciate your spouse for all they are, everyday. 

Happy spouse, happy house!

Tip #182 Frightening Fear; The Anniversary Effect

     Happy Anniversary! No, scratch that... literally, scratch it out. Here, I'll do it; Happy Anniversary! What's the deal? Well, it's wonderful that we live in a society where people celebrate specific moments year after year - birthdays, wedding anniversaries, Christmas, the last day of school, etc.  That's great - it's important to celebrate such events; it's a wonderful and good thing. But, sometimes it isn't a really good thing - well, at least it doesn't feel like a good thing at some moments. Maybe a Mother's Day is hard because you've lost your mother, or you are trying to be a mother and it is not working out. Maybe the anniversary you remember is not a special occasion like a wedding, but instead is a traumatic event or the death of a loved one that changed your life in inexplicable ways. And you know what? If that makes you sad, anxious, or stressed out around the anniversary of the event of something like that, well, that's okay.
     Those not so fun feelings are part of something called the anniversary effect (anniversary reaction to some), and are triggered by something that reminds you of the initial trauma/loss. One of the most likely reminders of any event is it's anniversary. If you are experiencing these not-so-fun-feeling (or have in the past) with respect to the anniversary of trauma, I would like you to know a few things: You're not losing your mind, you haven't done anything wrong, and you're not alone. It doesn't make you weak, it doesn't mean you haven't tried enough, worked hard enough, or recovered as much s you "should" have.  And guess what? In the long run, it's actually a bit of a good thing... maybe not so good that you'd feel like jumping for joy, but perhaps good enough that you could at least manage "un-scratching" the happy anniversary message above.
     How do I know you're not alone, not weak, and all that jazz? Well, the anniversary effect is a well documented phenomenon, I have seen it in survivors on multiple occasions, and I've experienced it myself. The anniversary date (or even knowing that the anniversary is coming up soon) can trigger the memory of the traumatic event for days or for weeks. Not everyone who experiences trauma will experience this effect, and those that do may not experience it forever.
     If you are interested, there are many resources online. Some of the resources refer to the anniversary effect in terms of grieving a death, and some in conjunction with other conditions affected by trauma. I recommend you do your own research and consult with your medical team members if you have questions, but I'm providing a few links here that I have found helpful. Mentalhealth.net defines the anniversary reaction as:

an individual's response to unresolved grief resulting from significant losses. The anniversary reaction can involve several days or even weeks of anxiety, anger, nightmares, flashbacks, depression, or fear. 

    From what I understand, symptoms people experience will vary in intensity (mild to severe) duration (days or weeks), and frequency (every year, only the first year..). The symptoms are often accompanied by shock because people think that they should be over the event and then find out that:

a) they're not, 

b) they didn't know that they're not

c) they think something is wrong with them because they're not (over it). They think they are: not strong enough, all alone, not working hard enough at recovery, not emotionally coping when they thought they were, etc. ( that's why I gave you the "you're not crazy, you're not alone" etc., pep talk above... please believe me that what was said in the pep talk is true!). 

d) even discovering and being sure of the truth (a, b, and c above) they still can't will the symptoms to go away entirely. Being aware of the symptoms, knowing the date ahead of time, doing the positive self-talk etc., are sometimes enough, but at other times are not enough to make the symptoms go away on or near the anniversary.
      The following article from the US Department of Veteran Affairs has a very short but informative and easy to read  overview of this phenomenon. It and the following article by Mentalhealth.net  also talk about the positive side of the anniversary reaction; using the reaction as an opportunity to deal with unresolved issues surrounding the trauma. I know it doesn't seem so lovely to experience this reaction, but this is the part that I was referring to above when I said that you might even think of this reaction like a little bit of a good thing. Why? Yes, I know that facing unresolved issues head on while feeling emotional already (from the anniversary reaction) is not the easiest thing to do. However, I think that the premise is that each year you delve a bit deeper into the issue, but you are ready to delve deeper because you've moved forward in your journey since last year. From what I've read, it seems that the symptoms will go away when you are actually finished dealing with them in their entirety, and not a moment before (though, each year can get much much better than the last).
     If it takes you longer than someone else to heal, that's okay - everyone experiences trauma differently, and have different supports (or lack thereof) emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Don't compare yourself to anyone (about anything really, but especially about this!). And if you need help to cope, get it. There is a wonderful amount of help to be had if you seek it out. The articles I provided links for above also have suggestions for coping.

     So, while I do think that being ready to delve deeper is great and all, I do sometimes wonder if it could be like when we were kids - have an ice-cream cone, feel better, and call it a day! Alas, it's not that easy. If I can offer anything at all from my own experience, I think that if we can:
1) recognize the effect for what it is (something that affects some of us like it or not)
2) accept that if it does happen, we are not weak for experiencing it
3) acknowledge that it is okay to experience it, and
4) try to learn the lesson that comes with it,
then maybe the anniversary this year will be better than the last, and the anniversary next year better than this one. You're not alone.

With that I will wish you a Happy Anniversary!  - or a Happy Anniversary! is okay too - you choose!