Tip #129 Frightening Fear; Two-Stepping-It

     As someone who has survived and are recovering from severe illness or trauma, do you ever find that the question "How are you?" is simply not asked all that often, and when it is you don't know how to answer it? Caregivers, do you have any idea how to answer questions about whether or not your loved one is improving, or how you are feeling emotionally and physically? And even if you do feel like you can answer that - have others stopped asking?

     If your answer is "yes" to any of these questions then guess what?  You are not alone! Why does this pattern happen so often? My take on it is that others are uncomfortable, and scared to ask. It sort of reminds me of watching two-step (or line dancing) country dances. Some people want to participate (and do) while others are too scared to try - even though you know they are dying to try it out. They watch, but don't participate, and I think it's out of fear. It's amazing to me how we can unintentionally allow fear to grab hold of us, and let it limit us in life - in both the big things and the small.

     Yep, fear is a powerful thing. When people are scared, that whole "fight or flight" response gets kicked into high gear. It's one thing to go through trauma (and/or watch it happen), but another thing entirely to figure out how to talk to someone about that trauma during the trauma or the recovery thereof. And, when you mix fear with loving someone (going through trauma with a loved one rather than the tiny amount of fear in the line dance scenario), well, then fear can become an entity of itself. Some dig in to fight, and others respond by putting the petal to the metal in order to avoid potentially hard discussions. But, why are they so scared of said discussions? Often people are:

• Afraid that they won't know how to respond to your honest answer (i.e. what if they tell me they are going to/want to die, or want to talk about feelings (that's scary enough for a lot of people without illness in the picture!!)?
• Afraid that they'll say the wrong thing (i.e. advise you to take steps in the wrong direction)
• Afraid they'll make you feel like you have to update yet another person 
• Afraid that they won't understand the answer (in terms of medical knowledge)
• Afraid of saying something downright stupid and/or insensitive (which has been known to happen - but not all that often (LOL!), and, let's not forget...
• Afraid they'll not know how to be encouraging because some of the challenges you face are feats that even a toddler can do...

      It does get tricky sometimes! If you really do want to improve the communication situation then I suggest you try to do so by giving others specific items on which to focus - but with limited details. While I know you may be saying "Well, that is all fine and dandy Val, but how do I practically implement it?" Good question. Here is my suggested proverbial 2-step dance routine 

Step 1) Name a symptom and/or goal without stipulating a time frame.  "My muscles are very weak, and my current goal is to be able to walk around the kitchen table." A statement like this is simple for others to understand, and to recognize the level you are at in an uncomplicated way. People can visualize how far of a walk that is, and what obstacles may hinder you from achieving that goal. But, they can also visualize what getting three quarters of the way looks like too, and how significant and great it is to do so. 

Step 2) Name it's optimal outcome with a time frame. "I am working towards being able to walk around the kitchen table once a day this week, and twice per day next week." 

     Why the distinction between the two steps (they're often considered as part of one step)?

     a) Timing is usually part of a goal. If you don't get your assignment in on time you get zero, but zero is not an option here (you will want to walk around the kitchen table some day!). You or your loved one needs the part-marks for what has been accomplished despite it's inability to be completed in full on time. It allows for wiggle room and good morale.

     b) It presents the information in an uncomplicated, familiar, and relate-able way. Choosing one symptom (fatigue for instance), allows people can relate, even if it (fatigue) is to a different degree. It is easier to empathize.

     c) A simple outcome may help others feel like they can intelligently ask you about the progress on the outcome. So, maybe a friend can now ask you how many times you've been able to walk around the kitchen table this week as opposed to a general "how are you feeling?" without fear that they won't understand the answer you give them.

     d) It allows for a tangible marker in terms of progress and illustrates that a "small" feat is no small feat, and worth celebrating. 

     All in all, by doing the proverbial 2-step you're making others feel comfortable and giving them tangible ways to ask questions without having to be afraid of the answers, and especially detailed medical lingo-ish types of answers. It feels safer (less vulnerable) for those asking, and makes it easier to feel like they've participated. In the mean time it may help you feel like you are being valued and cared for because the communication lines are so much more open.   

     So, it's a good thing to do the proverbial 2-step. Yes, there will always be some who stand away from the crowd, and don't want to dance at first or at all, but that's okay. Not everyone needs to be a good dancer (or in this case - communicator), and not everyone who wants to dance has a knack for dancing either. That doesn't matter; it's the intent and the attempt that are important. And the beauty is that you get to decide who you will ask to dance and who you will allow to dance with you. Choose wisely, and try not to let fear scare you into standing on the edge of the dance floor. To me, it's worth the effort. 

Happy 2-stepping!