Tip #352 Frightening Fear; Scarred by Scars

     Okay, I keep trying to think of a diplomatic way to say this, but I can't seem to get it right, so bare with me as I say - People can get all nutty about scars. Scars? "What is there to be nutty about you say?" Okay, if that's actually what you are saying, then don't bother reading the rest of this post. Congratulations on overcoming such a beast as not caring about scars. For the rest of the world,  if you'd like to discuss the illogical nuttiness that can ensue when people look at their scars, then read on:)

As an aside I'd like to acknowledge that when I am talking about scars, I speak out of experience as I have them all over me, (close to 40 incisions in all). But, I am not a burn victim or totally disfigured - and I do not mean to belittle or minimize what someone would have to go through in such circumstances. I am not writing about anything so devastating as that. Thanks. 


     I know that scars have been the topic of conversation - and often of consternation around certain times of the year; bathing suit season, wedding season, and the season we are experiencing now… Christmas. Of course, the link is that on these occasions a) you want to look your best for the gatherings  included in such seasons, and b) you are often wearing clothes that may expose your scars more. Granted this isn't nearly as likely if you are a man, but if you are not, then I'm guessing that you know what I am talking about….

    When it comes to being wise, my hubby is amazing. About scars he says "Who cares what people think?" and I am in total agreement. We should boldly accept that stance.

Very wise guy.

Absolutely right.

If only we were capable.

     Unfortunately, we women as a whole tend to be incapable of completely abandoning the desire to stop caring about what people think, especially what they might think about us or our family. Some are better than others and some, well, not so much. And no offence meant if you are a woman and have never and will never feel this way. If this is you - please share:) As a whole, I wouldn't say that I am terrible at this, but I am a work in progress - and sometimes that process is a slow one. Still, I do think that it's possible to care less and less about the scars over time - but only with good intention. How?
By introducing logic to emotion. Huh?
     I have a friend who says that logic and emotions are often like ships passing in the night.... I agree. Upon reflection, it seems to me that the two ships really are totally oblivious to each other's presence. So I ask this, if the goal is to have the two coexist peacefully, how do you form a good bond with someone you never see, never meet, and try not to bump into in the dark? Kind of tricky if you ask me. Not so good. So why not start there - introduce the two and get them to start hanging out together. I want them to be able to cross paths safely and peacefully, with respect. I know we don't always get what we want, but why not aim high? That's great Val, but how does that work exactly? And what does it have to do with scars? Finally, here's the point:)
     When I am personally feeling insecure about scars (or body changes related to illness), I introduce or reintroduce logic to emotion by reminding (and sometimes reciting) myself certain truths. For example, I think:

• They're scars. Nothing More. They don't make me a monster - no matter how people may react to them. And by the way - if we're doing a reality check, people don't tend to me feel like a monster. A lot of people stare, an sometimes I think it would truly be better for them to take a picture they are staring at it so hard! Still, not many notice, and very few comment. It's a bigger deal to me than to them. That's a good reminder too.  
• They are also a good reminder that I can do anything. After all, scars mean that you have endured something… you've overcome something worth overcoming…
• They are a rite of passage - a coming of age of sorts remind you that you are now wiser and stronger. It's like looking at stretch marks after a woman has a child, and wearing them as marks of valour, of motherhood, and triumph, and sacrifice and more. Why? cause the statements are true, but it's not the common observation. Still, it's true.
• Scars don't define you - you define you
• Beauty starts from the inside and works its way out - not the other way around (at the risk of sounding cliche).
• if someone can't handle seeing your scars, they should close their eyes. It's their problem to fix should they choose to do so - not yours. I repeat:) It's their issue.

     Maybe your truths will be different than mine. And maybe they will be truths about other more important issues; not scars. Still, I think the process is a good one (if I do say so myself:P). But we are not done yet. A meeting - by definition - is never complete until the second party has joined the foray! So, the next step? I introduce or reintroduce emotion to logic by acknowledging the icky-ness of it, and giving myself permission to feel icky about it. Why? Because you can't keep it all in. This is what I say to logic:

• Emotions are meant to be experienced… BUT (an important but), you don't get anywhere by dwelling on such things. Set a time limit if you need to, and plan to move forward
• Don't be harder on yourself than you would be on anyone else. You are as human as they
• The anxiety of something to occur is usually worse than the anxiety when it occurs. Once that "meeting" is complete, the icky things don't seem to have such power. 
• Love should never be anything but unconditional, and the same is true with respect to beauty

     I've gone back and reread this post and I am feeling fairly conflicted. It seems silly to me to have to go through all of those things to get past scars. I want to say "get over yourself" to myself!  If you're anything like me, then you don't let scars dictate how you live your life, so why are you writing tomes of info about scars and how to get over them?  I think part of the truth of it all is not so much the appearance of scars, but what they mean to us in the inside; a reminder of mortality, of trauma, of vulnerability, of imperfection, of hard things and of limits, of change, and so much more. Scars are an easy focus, and on top of it they remind us we are flawed. Unless we're only totally shallow - but I think that's a cop out. No, I don't think it's vain to get stuck on that for a bit -it's a feeling of loss that should be acknowledged. 

      Just don't forget to put it all into perspective. I know it's challenging when scars contribute to making us feel as though we appear flawed, not just that we are flawed and that some scars are more uncomfortable than others for different reasons, but perspective is important. Get rid of the magazine covers, stop doing the infinite amount of over-analyzing (which I'm clearly doing now), and accept what is true. There is so much more to life that can so easily be missed when we get hung up on things like scars.

     I don't even know how to end this post except to say, I am clearly one of the nutty ones when it comes to scars, even though I feel as though I'm past the distress of mine… I guess it's fair to say that for the most part scars and I have come to an understanding. I acknowledge their presence, I see their positive effects, I respect the emotions they evoke, and I use logic to keep from obsessing about them. In turn, they accept that I don't like them. And if that's not nutty I don't know what is! I guess that if nuttiness and scars were ships, they'd not pass in the night - they'd declare war. 

     In closing I will say that if you can relate to any of this post at all then know you are not alone, even if you are as nutty as me. LOL! And in the mean time I invite you to join my quest in getting logic and emotion to meet peacefully in all areas of life - not just about scars….

Happy nutty un-nutty-ing!

     

Tip #242 Wise Words Wednesday; Anxiety and His Friends

     No one wants to feel anxious - but everyone does at one time or another. And it's not fun. At all. 
Ug.
     And since anxiety is usually related to a loss of control of some aspect of life, I think it's fair to say that anxiety is a regular visitor in the midst of lives riddled with severe illness or trauma whether you are a caregiver or the person who is ill. Yep, totally understandable. 
     But,as common and understandable as it is, for some reason people in said situations often think that there is something wrong with them if they are feeling anxious; like it's a character flaw, or a terrible exhibition of weakness.
It's not. 
     If your best friend described your situation (as if it was happening to him/her not you), would you think they were weak, or flawed, or ridiculous for feeling anxious? Let me answer for you; No. 
Of course not. 
     But when it's happening to us... well, it's hard. Still, I believe that if we allow ourselves to feel it, and talk about it with others, then the word "anxiety" loses it's power and the feelings that go with it can disappear then too. I'm not talking about total surrender to anxiety, but being able to acknowledge it when it visits can go a long way. You can't get rid of the mouse in the house until you both acknowledge it's there (no matter how much you don't want it to be), and you bait the trap with the cheese (take action to get rid of it). So, how to bait the trap?
     Well, one woman I know meets anxiety head on. She is a very brave and wonderful woman who happens to have two kids - one of whom has a condition named Noonan Syndrome. I find her very relatable, a great teacher, knowledgeable, funny and inspiring too. And her children are the cutest sweetest kids... 
     She recently did a blog post about anxiety that was relieving, refreshing, and too funny too. You should just check out her blog for yourself, but for now I've included an excerpt from it here... 


Re Anxiety:
      I thought it would go way - the sinking in the pit of my stomach, tight shoulder muscles and sense of impending doom. There's no reason for it to stay. Surely there are other people that Anxiety could be stalking instead of me.
     Having my companion last week leading up to Lauren's sleep study was understandable. Now Anxiety has overstayed its welcome. It's like I've had a relative arrive from far away and they've decided they like my home enough to stay longer. The fridge is empty and the bathrooms are a mess and yet they stay.
     Anxiety even stepped it up and is now hosting a party. The little turd invited Anticipation, Subconscious Worry, Obsession and the ever present but quiet Sadness to the party. Who knew they'd all be free the same week? I'm fairly certain Lack of Sleep started frosh week and tracked Anxiety down in the parking lot. Anxiety was waiting for someone else but once the word got out, well, you know how the story goes...pictures fall from the walls, tables get broken and the liquor cabinet is empty.
     I'm sure they'll get bored eventually. I could always up the rent, disconnect the satellite feed, hide the car keys and buy only whole-grain-organic-no-fat-no-flavour-cardboard-meatless foods.
     Or maybe down-grading the Internet connection to dial-up will be sufficient?
     Isn't she great? The Sweet One is her moniker. Well, thanks for reading. Hope you can bore anxiety and it's party too:). 


Happy trapping!

Tip #17 Frightening Fear; Fighting the Good good Fight

     Have you ever felt (as a caregiver and/or survivor) as though your life was out of control due to the severe trauma or injury you've experienced? Or, have you ever been frustrated that there is something that you really want to do - even need to do, but you can't do it because your body won't cooperate? That can be scary. It can be maddening, and it can be an astonishing and a difficult realization.

I told my body the other day that I needs to stop being such a traitor, and to hurry up about fixing itself. ASAP.

I have things to do.

     That's why I like this week's quote. It made me laugh, and I think it's a fun visual for fighting the good fight.

     Side note: Does that mean that if you can't get your feet on the floor yet, or that you may always need to adapt because of the trauma, that you're not doing okay? No. of course not. We're all allowed to be human.
     So, here's to fighting the good fight for the best life possible, however possible, whenever possible - whatever that looks like (eg. for me, it's asking God to show up and do His thing). And, Here's also to fighting for the most productive life possible when you are able, and however you are now able to do so.

    

PS, I got this from here, and sorry if there are any guys reading this.... that's just the way the quote was written!

Happy Hitting that floor!

Tip #346 Frightening Fear; Your Inukshuk

     The Vancouver Winter Olympics (2010) really put Inukshuks on the map when they designed a logo that featured a very colourful Inukshuk. Growing up in Northern Ontario (the Near North), I am no stranger to the Inukshuk, nor to it's most common message - we were here. Now, before you say to me "But Val, it's not an Inukshuk featured on the logo, it's technically an Inunnguaq..." isn't it? Um, er, hmmm - what?  Although there is some controversy about the name, I won't get into that here. For now I will say that if the term Inukshuk was good enough for the Olympics, it's good enough for me!
     For those of you not familiar with the Inukshuk (or it's variations), if you click here you will see a picture of an Inukshuk; it looks like a piece of art, and, well, it is, though it is much more than that too. There is also a great youtube video here that I recommend. For now, I will simply say that an Inukshuk is a crudely (man)made marker meant to outlast wind, rain, snow, sun, and even grandfather time. It's constructed using only the rocks at hand, and is not meant to be perfectly uniform. Thus, each Inukshuk is recognizable but unique (like snowflakes). And, the most important part - it's "raison d'être"? The Inukshuk serves as a marker. No, not the Sharpie markers of today (but come to think of it, they last pretty well too!), but markers that tell a story like; we were here (mentioned above), or someone was here before you, or friendship is found here, or something happened/happens here. 
     Why, for example, is knowing that someone was here before you so significant? Does anyone really care that there was another person at the bus stop 10 minutes before you arrived? No, of course not (well, at least I can't think of a scenario that would make one particularly need to take note of that). But, if you were journeying through Arctic lands by foot, or even by horse, in winter snow in unpopulated areas, then would you care that someone was there before you? Yes, I bet you would. I would. Ah, now we're getting somewhere...
     So, would that caring be compounded if you or someone with you was ill, or had a heavy burden (like a an injured man)? Probably. It would for me. And would you be especially grateful if those before you (100 years or 100 days before you) pointed the way to safety (water, good hunting, shelter etc)? Yep, I think that would be extremely helpful (especially given my sense of direction!).
     Now, I know, you're about to say that's all fine and dandy, but I'm never going to be in the arctic, (unless of course you already live in the arctic!) so why should I care about this? Because you are in the arctic, well, figuratively speaking at least! How do you think you would feel if someone suddenly dropped you out of a helicopter into a deserted blizzard in the Arctic (i.e. informed you that you have cancer and have to have radical surgeries and treatments right away)? Terrified? Is there a word stronger than that? Petrified? Yep, it would be scary - and that's okay. What would make it less scary? Going through it with someone who's already succeeded at it (even if only a little)?
     Yep. Learning what you can about the Arctic; it's resources, how to dress for that kind of cold, what to do if you get frostbite, and how to react when a polar bear is thinking you look like dinner, etc. will help you not just to survive, but to thrive as much as possible. The same can be said for recovery - never have there been so many resources on nearly every condition at your fingertips. That knowledge makes a big difference in helping you survive. Living in this technological era with the Internet (though still woefully under utilized I think) not also helps you to survive, but to thrive too. For instance, isn't it incredible that if you are the only person in your entire country with a particular condition, you can still surround yourself with a community of other's who either have the same condition, or have other conditions but share the same kind of human experience? And to be able to do all of that in your living-room via a laptop, well, it doesn't get better than that (well, I guess it does if you don't have to use it because you're no longer ill, but if you are recovering, it doesn't get better than that!). So, given all of that, here's my fear-fighting prescription of the day...

• Look for Inukshuks constructed by those who have gone before you. A lot of organizations have support groups/programs for individuals who are affected by severe illness or trauma.Within those groups you will usually find people at different stages of of the process and there is much to be gleaned from others who have been dealing with similar situations for a while. And, as you are well aware since you are reading this, you can find all sorts of blogs about a myriad of topics that might be of use to you. When I started my blog I thought that if I could let even one person know they weren't alone, then there was a point in continuing it. Hey, thanks for reading this blog too:)
• Make An Inukshuk map for yourself. On a piece of paper, consider marking down where you started (onset of illness/trauma), how far you've come (each milestone you've conquered), and where you want to go (ultimate recovery goal). Remember the Inukshuk says "We were there?" -well, be proud of yourself because you are not there anymore - wherever "there" may be. Bring the map back out periodically and be amazed at the progress you've made.... 
• If you are able, be part of someone else's Inukshuk. Figuratively speaking, be an Inukshuk or even one of the rocks that go into someone's Inukshuk. If you've been "there" in the bowels of the recovery process (hey, that pun wasn't intended!) in all it's - well, we'll say - glory, then consider helping others through it. There's no pressure to do so from me, and there shouldn't be from others either, but it feels good to be able to when appropriate.

     Whatever you do, and however you cope, take heart - you are not alone. Someone has been here before you. Even if no one else has the same condition as you, you can still benefit (in amazing ways) from others who are walking through a similar recovery journey. Despite a difference in conditions, most people will experience common issues/elements in their journey - loss, grief, frustration, gaps in service, small victories, compassion fatigue, and so on and so on.... Learn to learn from each other. There will always be moments of fear in any race, activity, or life scenario. But if you mark where you were, are, and are going to be, share that journey with others or just share in the journey of others, then the fear might just get frightened away! Fear has nothing on Inukshuks!

Happy Marking!

Tip #129 Frightening Fear; Two-Stepping-It

     As someone who has survived and are recovering from severe illness or trauma, do you ever find that the question "How are you?" is simply not asked all that often, and when it is you don't know how to answer it? Caregivers, do you have any idea how to answer questions about whether or not your loved one is improving, or how you are feeling emotionally and physically? And even if you do feel like you can answer that - have others stopped asking?

     If your answer is "yes" to any of these questions then guess what?  You are not alone! Why does this pattern happen so often? My take on it is that others are uncomfortable, and scared to ask. It sort of reminds me of watching two-step (or line dancing) country dances. Some people want to participate (and do) while others are too scared to try - even though you know they are dying to try it out. They watch, but don't participate, and I think it's out of fear. It's amazing to me how we can unintentionally allow fear to grab hold of us, and let it limit us in life - in both the big things and the small.

     Yep, fear is a powerful thing. When people are scared, that whole "fight or flight" response gets kicked into high gear. It's one thing to go through trauma (and/or watch it happen), but another thing entirely to figure out how to talk to someone about that trauma during the trauma or the recovery thereof. And, when you mix fear with loving someone (going through trauma with a loved one rather than the tiny amount of fear in the line dance scenario), well, then fear can become an entity of itself. Some dig in to fight, and others respond by putting the petal to the metal in order to avoid potentially hard discussions. But, why are they so scared of said discussions? Often people are:

• Afraid that they won't know how to respond to your honest answer (i.e. what if they tell me they are going to/want to die, or want to talk about feelings (that's scary enough for a lot of people without illness in the picture!!)?
• Afraid that they'll say the wrong thing (i.e. advise you to take steps in the wrong direction)
• Afraid they'll make you feel like you have to update yet another person 
• Afraid that they won't understand the answer (in terms of medical knowledge)
• Afraid of saying something downright stupid and/or insensitive (which has been known to happen - but not all that often (LOL!), and, let's not forget...
• Afraid they'll not know how to be encouraging because some of the challenges you face are feats that even a toddler can do...

      It does get tricky sometimes! If you really do want to improve the communication situation then I suggest you try to do so by giving others specific items on which to focus - but with limited details. While I know you may be saying "Well, that is all fine and dandy Val, but how do I practically implement it?" Good question. Here is my suggested proverbial 2-step dance routine 

Step 1) Name a symptom and/or goal without stipulating a time frame.  "My muscles are very weak, and my current goal is to be able to walk around the kitchen table." A statement like this is simple for others to understand, and to recognize the level you are at in an uncomplicated way. People can visualize how far of a walk that is, and what obstacles may hinder you from achieving that goal. But, they can also visualize what getting three quarters of the way looks like too, and how significant and great it is to do so. 

Step 2) Name it's optimal outcome with a time frame. "I am working towards being able to walk around the kitchen table once a day this week, and twice per day next week." 

     Why the distinction between the two steps (they're often considered as part of one step)?

     a) Timing is usually part of a goal. If you don't get your assignment in on time you get zero, but zero is not an option here (you will want to walk around the kitchen table some day!). You or your loved one needs the part-marks for what has been accomplished despite it's inability to be completed in full on time. It allows for wiggle room and good morale.

     b) It presents the information in an uncomplicated, familiar, and relate-able way. Choosing one symptom (fatigue for instance), allows people can relate, even if it (fatigue) is to a different degree. It is easier to empathize.

     c) A simple outcome may help others feel like they can intelligently ask you about the progress on the outcome. So, maybe a friend can now ask you how many times you've been able to walk around the kitchen table this week as opposed to a general "how are you feeling?" without fear that they won't understand the answer you give them.

     d) It allows for a tangible marker in terms of progress and illustrates that a "small" feat is no small feat, and worth celebrating. 

     All in all, by doing the proverbial 2-step you're making others feel comfortable and giving them tangible ways to ask questions without having to be afraid of the answers, and especially detailed medical lingo-ish types of answers. It feels safer (less vulnerable) for those asking, and makes it easier to feel like they've participated. In the mean time it may help you feel like you are being valued and cared for because the communication lines are so much more open.   

     So, it's a good thing to do the proverbial 2-step. Yes, there will always be some who stand away from the crowd, and don't want to dance at first or at all, but that's okay. Not everyone needs to be a good dancer (or in this case - communicator), and not everyone who wants to dance has a knack for dancing either. That doesn't matter; it's the intent and the attempt that are important. And the beauty is that you get to decide who you will ask to dance and who you will allow to dance with you. Choose wisely, and try not to let fear scare you into standing on the edge of the dance floor. To me, it's worth the effort. 

Happy 2-stepping!

  

    

Tip #182 Frightening Fear; The Anniversary Effect

     Happy Anniversary! No, scratch that... literally, scratch it out. Here, I'll do it; Happy Anniversary! What's the deal? Well, it's wonderful that we live in a society where people celebrate specific moments year after year - birthdays, wedding anniversaries, Christmas, the last day of school, etc.  That's great - it's important to celebrate such events; it's a wonderful and good thing. But, sometimes it isn't a really good thing - well, at least it doesn't feel like a good thing at some moments. Maybe a Mother's Day is hard because you've lost your mother, or you are trying to be a mother and it is not working out. Maybe the anniversary you remember is not a special occasion like a wedding, but instead is a traumatic event or the death of a loved one that changed your life in inexplicable ways. And you know what? If that makes you sad, anxious, or stressed out around the anniversary of the event of something like that, well, that's okay.
     Those not so fun feelings are part of something called the anniversary effect (anniversary reaction to some), and are triggered by something that reminds you of the initial trauma/loss. One of the most likely reminders of any event is it's anniversary. If you are experiencing these not-so-fun-feeling (or have in the past) with respect to the anniversary of trauma, I would like you to know a few things: You're not losing your mind, you haven't done anything wrong, and you're not alone. It doesn't make you weak, it doesn't mean you haven't tried enough, worked hard enough, or recovered as much s you "should" have.  And guess what? In the long run, it's actually a bit of a good thing... maybe not so good that you'd feel like jumping for joy, but perhaps good enough that you could at least manage "un-scratching" the happy anniversary message above.
     How do I know you're not alone, not weak, and all that jazz? Well, the anniversary effect is a well documented phenomenon, I have seen it in survivors on multiple occasions, and I've experienced it myself. The anniversary date (or even knowing that the anniversary is coming up soon) can trigger the memory of the traumatic event for days or for weeks. Not everyone who experiences trauma will experience this effect, and those that do may not experience it forever.
     If you are interested, there are many resources online. Some of the resources refer to the anniversary effect in terms of grieving a death, and some in conjunction with other conditions affected by trauma. I recommend you do your own research and consult with your medical team members if you have questions, but I'm providing a few links here that I have found helpful. Mentalhealth.net defines the anniversary reaction as:

an individual's response to unresolved grief resulting from significant losses. The anniversary reaction can involve several days or even weeks of anxiety, anger, nightmares, flashbacks, depression, or fear. 

    From what I understand, symptoms people experience will vary in intensity (mild to severe) duration (days or weeks), and frequency (every year, only the first year..). The symptoms are often accompanied by shock because people think that they should be over the event and then find out that:

a) they're not, 

b) they didn't know that they're not

c) they think something is wrong with them because they're not (over it). They think they are: not strong enough, all alone, not working hard enough at recovery, not emotionally coping when they thought they were, etc. ( that's why I gave you the "you're not crazy, you're not alone" etc., pep talk above... please believe me that what was said in the pep talk is true!). 

d) even discovering and being sure of the truth (a, b, and c above) they still can't will the symptoms to go away entirely. Being aware of the symptoms, knowing the date ahead of time, doing the positive self-talk etc., are sometimes enough, but at other times are not enough to make the symptoms go away on or near the anniversary.
      The following article from the US Department of Veteran Affairs has a very short but informative and easy to read  overview of this phenomenon. It and the following article by Mentalhealth.net  also talk about the positive side of the anniversary reaction; using the reaction as an opportunity to deal with unresolved issues surrounding the trauma. I know it doesn't seem so lovely to experience this reaction, but this is the part that I was referring to above when I said that you might even think of this reaction like a little bit of a good thing. Why? Yes, I know that facing unresolved issues head on while feeling emotional already (from the anniversary reaction) is not the easiest thing to do. However, I think that the premise is that each year you delve a bit deeper into the issue, but you are ready to delve deeper because you've moved forward in your journey since last year. From what I've read, it seems that the symptoms will go away when you are actually finished dealing with them in their entirety, and not a moment before (though, each year can get much much better than the last).
     If it takes you longer than someone else to heal, that's okay - everyone experiences trauma differently, and have different supports (or lack thereof) emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Don't compare yourself to anyone (about anything really, but especially about this!). And if you need help to cope, get it. There is a wonderful amount of help to be had if you seek it out. The articles I provided links for above also have suggestions for coping.

     So, while I do think that being ready to delve deeper is great and all, I do sometimes wonder if it could be like when we were kids - have an ice-cream cone, feel better, and call it a day! Alas, it's not that easy. If I can offer anything at all from my own experience, I think that if we can:
1) recognize the effect for what it is (something that affects some of us like it or not)
2) accept that if it does happen, we are not weak for experiencing it
3) acknowledge that it is okay to experience it, and
4) try to learn the lesson that comes with it,
then maybe the anniversary this year will be better than the last, and the anniversary next year better than this one. You're not alone.

With that I will wish you a Happy Anniversary!  - or a Happy Anniversary! is okay too - you choose!
  

Tip #188 Frightening Fear; Sharing the Journey

     Have you ever been camping (in a tent, or a rustic cabin), and had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? Usually the trip is just fine, but on other days, for whatever reason, the trip seems like a really scary thing. There are no lights after all, and, where we camp at least, there are sometimes roving bears looking for food, wolves, the odd porcupine, and, of course, various creatures from the depths of our imaginations. And what do you do on those days that getting to the bathroom is nervewracking? One solution is to ask your travel companion(s) to go with you. You turn on the flashlight, link arms, and go off into the night.

     My theory on why that makes a difference is not only that there is strength in numbers, or that two heads are better than one, though I am sure those reasons are valid too. No, the biggest reason to me is that it is a shared experience. No amount of describing is ever going to prepare someone who wasn't there for what was going on, how you felt in that moment, or feel the goosebumps you felt when you heard the wolves howl. And, others may even tease you (rightly so in this case!). 

     On a more serious note, the same is true of dealing with looking death in the face, or even a long recovery straight on. If they're not with you, it is hard to feel like people get it, no matter how hard they may try, be they patient, caregiver, or loved one. So, when you find someone who has traveled a similar journey, there's a sense of not being so alone, not having to explain, and a closeness that is invaluable. No one wants someone else to go through fear, but if you have to, it helps when you can know another who has walked that road. Today I found a blog "Go Val Go" and it made me feel that way. I saw that she had a similar scar from a similar procedure. I saw her friends supporting her, and I saw her fighting. The fighting is my favourite part. And even though I don't know her, she has comforted me. She wrote a poem of "Random Thoughts" that was significant to me, and talks about the fight.  It spoke volumes to me, and I hope it does to you too. Here's the link: http://govaleriego.blogspot.com/2010/10/random-thoughts.html   Have a great day!