Tip #182 Frightening Fear; The Anniversary Effect

     Happy Anniversary! No, scratch that... literally, scratch it out. Here, I'll do it; Happy Anniversary! What's the deal? Well, it's wonderful that we live in a society where people celebrate specific moments year after year - birthdays, wedding anniversaries, Christmas, the last day of school, etc.  That's great - it's important to celebrate such events; it's a wonderful and good thing. But, sometimes it isn't a really good thing - well, at least it doesn't feel like a good thing at some moments. Maybe a Mother's Day is hard because you've lost your mother, or you are trying to be a mother and it is not working out. Maybe the anniversary you remember is not a special occasion like a wedding, but instead is a traumatic event or the death of a loved one that changed your life in inexplicable ways. And you know what? If that makes you sad, anxious, or stressed out around the anniversary of the event of something like that, well, that's okay.
     Those not so fun feelings are part of something called the anniversary effect (anniversary reaction to some), and are triggered by something that reminds you of the initial trauma/loss. One of the most likely reminders of any event is it's anniversary. If you are experiencing these not-so-fun-feeling (or have in the past) with respect to the anniversary of trauma, I would like you to know a few things: You're not losing your mind, you haven't done anything wrong, and you're not alone. It doesn't make you weak, it doesn't mean you haven't tried enough, worked hard enough, or recovered as much s you "should" have.  And guess what? In the long run, it's actually a bit of a good thing... maybe not so good that you'd feel like jumping for joy, but perhaps good enough that you could at least manage "un-scratching" the happy anniversary message above.
     How do I know you're not alone, not weak, and all that jazz? Well, the anniversary effect is a well documented phenomenon, I have seen it in survivors on multiple occasions, and I've experienced it myself. The anniversary date (or even knowing that the anniversary is coming up soon) can trigger the memory of the traumatic event for days or for weeks. Not everyone who experiences trauma will experience this effect, and those that do may not experience it forever.
     If you are interested, there are many resources online. Some of the resources refer to the anniversary effect in terms of grieving a death, and some in conjunction with other conditions affected by trauma. I recommend you do your own research and consult with your medical team members if you have questions, but I'm providing a few links here that I have found helpful. Mentalhealth.net defines the anniversary reaction as:

an individual's response to unresolved grief resulting from significant losses. The anniversary reaction can involve several days or even weeks of anxiety, anger, nightmares, flashbacks, depression, or fear. 

    From what I understand, symptoms people experience will vary in intensity (mild to severe) duration (days or weeks), and frequency (every year, only the first year..). The symptoms are often accompanied by shock because people think that they should be over the event and then find out that:

a) they're not, 

b) they didn't know that they're not

c) they think something is wrong with them because they're not (over it). They think they are: not strong enough, all alone, not working hard enough at recovery, not emotionally coping when they thought they were, etc. ( that's why I gave you the "you're not crazy, you're not alone" etc., pep talk above... please believe me that what was said in the pep talk is true!). 

d) even discovering and being sure of the truth (a, b, and c above) they still can't will the symptoms to go away entirely. Being aware of the symptoms, knowing the date ahead of time, doing the positive self-talk etc., are sometimes enough, but at other times are not enough to make the symptoms go away on or near the anniversary.
      The following article from the US Department of Veteran Affairs has a very short but informative and easy to read  overview of this phenomenon. It and the following article by Mentalhealth.net  also talk about the positive side of the anniversary reaction; using the reaction as an opportunity to deal with unresolved issues surrounding the trauma. I know it doesn't seem so lovely to experience this reaction, but this is the part that I was referring to above when I said that you might even think of this reaction like a little bit of a good thing. Why? Yes, I know that facing unresolved issues head on while feeling emotional already (from the anniversary reaction) is not the easiest thing to do. However, I think that the premise is that each year you delve a bit deeper into the issue, but you are ready to delve deeper because you've moved forward in your journey since last year. From what I've read, it seems that the symptoms will go away when you are actually finished dealing with them in their entirety, and not a moment before (though, each year can get much much better than the last).
     If it takes you longer than someone else to heal, that's okay - everyone experiences trauma differently, and have different supports (or lack thereof) emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Don't compare yourself to anyone (about anything really, but especially about this!). And if you need help to cope, get it. There is a wonderful amount of help to be had if you seek it out. The articles I provided links for above also have suggestions for coping.

     So, while I do think that being ready to delve deeper is great and all, I do sometimes wonder if it could be like when we were kids - have an ice-cream cone, feel better, and call it a day! Alas, it's not that easy. If I can offer anything at all from my own experience, I think that if we can:
1) recognize the effect for what it is (something that affects some of us like it or not)
2) accept that if it does happen, we are not weak for experiencing it
3) acknowledge that it is okay to experience it, and
4) try to learn the lesson that comes with it,
then maybe the anniversary this year will be better than the last, and the anniversary next year better than this one. You're not alone.

With that I will wish you a Happy Anniversary!  - or a Happy Anniversary! is okay too - you choose!