Tip #402 Patience Patients; It's not about the ice cream

     It's not about the ice cream? Okay, so I know it's an odd thing to say, but "it's not about the ice cream" is the phrase one of my very wise friends taught me, and to me, it describes an outburst of distress at something totally ridiculous. I'm calling it ridiculous because the reason for upset is clearly not something your loved one would typically get upset about,  and certainly not something that would cause them to have a huge meltdown (like having no ice cream in the house). Having said that, I would really really encourage anyone witnessing such an event NOT to point out to the one in distress that they are being ridiculous. No really, that is not a good idea, don't attempt this at home! In truth, it's not ridiculous at all, it can just seem ridiculous because of the topic, and because said topic seems to come out of nowhere.
  
     While it is possible that the caregiver will have this type of response, it is (in my opinion) the patient who may demonstrate this particular behaviour most commonly.  I have been on both ends of this emotion, and neither one of them is fun, but I hope that whatever end you experience, that you can
a) look back and laugh at yourself, and
b) should it happen again, recognize it for what it is, and know that you're not crazy (well, at least, not losing your mind entirely). It's normal. And as to that, remember too that here are more people just like you. You're not alone, and you're experiencing something common that people in these kinds of situations most definitely experience too. Still, try to not make them regular events...

     I know the ice cream part of this probably doesn't make all that much sense yet, so I'll give you an example. My "ice cream" was "pens" the first time it happened in this bout of illness. Yep, pens. Who took my pens? I can't get out of bed, and people keep walking away with my pens. When the phone rings, or the doctor comes, or I remember an item for a shopping list, I write it down. But writing it down is hard when you have no pens, and I seemed to find myself without pens quite a bit. Now, truth be told, I call the bed covers the "magic covers" because they have a persistent way of making things that I want and have been using disappear, so I was as big a culprit as everyone else! Still, if you're being irrational enough to feel like you're losing your mind over not having pens, then you are irrational enough to not take any responsibility for it. Things like the covers become entities in and of themselves at that point, and are a safe thing to be frustrated with!

     So, in the throws of my meltdown about the pens, one of my wonderful caregivers walked straight up to me and said "you need a hug right now don't you?" I wasn't so sure, but then when she said "It won't be like this forever, " I realized that it wasn't about the pens. Generally speaking, it's not usually about the pens, the ice cream, or anything trivial. Are you ready for this? It's a big realization... it's not about something trivial, it's about being frustrated and/or impatient about the situation, and the length of time it is taking to resolve that situation. After all,  no one wants to be sick, be debilitated permanently or even temporarily. No one wants to burden family, friends, or any other kind of caregiver. No one wants to have to ask for help to do anything you feel like you should be able to do yourself, but can't. No one wants to feel helpless. But more than that, I think the biggest thing for patients is that no one, no matter what, NO ONE wants to feel so out of control, And, severe illness, well, one of it's greatest achievements is it's ability to remove any sense of an individual having any control of his/her life.
  
     With respect to caregivers, I think that the loss of control is also a factor that may contribute to such a meltdown, and fatigue is a likely culprit too. I also think that in such an instance it would be easy to feel unappreciated (I'm bringing you breakfast, lunch, supper, helping you eat, etc., and you are mad that I walk away with a pen?). I will try to address more caregiver feelings in situations like this in another post, but want to focus on giving patients patience with themselves, others around them, and entities like bed covers that seems to join in the fray:).

Wow, this is a long post - thanks to those of you who have gotten this far... we're almost there!
  
So, what do I recommend? If you are the person having the meltdown:

1. Try to recognize that it's not about the pens, and realize that it's okay to be frustrated that you feel the way you do.
2. Recognizing the meltdown for what it is, try to laugh at yourself, and then allow yourself a constructive way of getting it out such as:

• journaling, 
• talking to someone qualified to help, 
• spending time doing something for joy, 
• spending time with loved ones.... 
• whatever it is that will bring you comfort.  
• In the absence of being able to do anything that makes you feel better in that moment,  try to have enough patience to NOT take it out on your caregiver!

If you are a person with the melt-down-er:

1. Don't for any reason tell the person they are being ridiculous. They're not. What they are experiencing is normal. Frustrating, but normal.
2. Try to comfort said individual that it won't be this way forever (and it won't... even if it's a permanent condition, your coping skills will get better (providing you want them to), and so no, it won't be like this forever). 
3. Don't take it personally. If they are upset, it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you.
4. For heaven's sake, buy a jumbo box of pens, and keep the freezer stocked with ice cream! :P

Happy shopping!