Tip #55 Christmas Prep III; No Bumbling, Just Stumbling

     I don't know about you, but we usually do a lot of visiting with family and friends over the holidays. And, whether you are going out to visit, or others are coming to your house - there's always one thing that happens - conversation. Yep, conversation. And whats the problem with that? There isn't one… unless of course you don't have anything interesting, anything current, or anything appropriate to converse about. No, I don't think that you've suddenly become inept at conversation - but, I think perspective can get skewed when one is in the midst of recovery. At the risk of being offensive I'll say it this way; just because you live and breathe recovery and can be consumed with it doesn't mean that everyone wants to hear about every itty-bitty detail. Your health or caregiving shouldn't be the focus of your time together. But, there is a place for it too, and it is relevant to you - so you don't have to avoid talking about - it's just good to be a well-rounded conversationalist:)
   For instance, I'm not trying to say that you can't discuss how you are - but I am suggesting that there is more to you than this illness, and it would be great if you could share those other parts of you with others. Furthermore, and now I'm going to be really bossy here - you need to have a vacation from the illness stuff! Take a break from living and breathing recovery, and focus on what's going on in the lives of your loved ones. Try to initiate conversations about interesting or funny things. You might not be able to eat or drink, but the merry part… it's possible.
    Now, you may say "sure Val, but I have no idea what is going on in the world; the current events in my world right now are focusing on trying to have a bowel movement or celebrating happy blood results." And, well, fair enough. I used to watch the news or read the newspaper each day, and always thought it was odd to encounter others who didn't. Now however, I don't. And I don't expect you to either. Neither are we out and about doing other normal things like: seeing fashion trends (I just learned that leg warmers are back "in"), the price of milk (though I can tell you the price of my expensive medications), or the new building that has gone up downtown (that would require getting downtown - and who has the time or energy for that when you're so ill or caring for someone thereof!).
     So, what's left then? If you are devoting your time right now to getting better and letting other things slide until you are well enough to continue, then how on earth are you supposed to come up with something to talk to others about once you're done talking about them, the weather, and your progress? And, if you are saying "Val, what the heck are you talking about - I never run out of things to talk about, and why do you think someone's world is going to be affected by illness that much so that any of the above is possible?" To that I say - it's great that that is not an issue for you, but I have seen so many clients struggle with this, that it seems difficult to imagine that this is not almost always the case. That's great if this is not an issue you struggle with. For others who do resonate with what to talk about, I have a suggestion; start stumbling, not bumbling.
     Huh? Well, sometimes I feel like a bumbling fool when someone asks me what I think about a current event (tragedy, celebration, or anything else for that matter). Not only do I not have an opinion about it - sometimes I have absolutely no idea what they are talking about!  Obviously no one (including myself) is totally oblivious, but still….
     So, this is where the stumbling part comes in. I found an app; Stumble upon. I love it! And, I just discovered that it's not only an app, but something you have access to on your computer too. It's very cool. Here's how it works:

• You go to the Stumble Upon website, and sign up for free (click here)
• The app asks you to check off subjects you find interesting (i.e. cooking, photography, current events, art, medicine, etc)
• Once that's done, you are ready to stumble upon some pretty cool things. All you do is press the "stumble" button, and presto-magico you have random interesting things to think about, laugh about, and talk about, and more 
• For example, you press stumble, and up comes:
• A video of a dog salsa dancing on 2 legs to salsa music
• An article about an advance in cancer research
• A beautiful picture of a child, or a glacier, or mountains
• An inspirational "life story" about someone who has overcome much 
• Tips on how to groom your pet
• An article about the guy (name slips my mind just now) that spends millions and millions of dollars making art with fabric; he made central park orange with his talent, and now he wants to cover the Nile with blue fabric I think (obviously I can't remember the details  at the moment - but when it was fresh in my mind I enjoyed talking to others about it), and/or
• A recipe for apple strudel with pumpkin for example.

     Well, you get gist. If you didn't select cooking on your checklist in the beginning, it's not likely (though not impossible) that you would "stumble upon" the recipe, or no dog video if you didn't check pets….).
     So, just a few more notes:

• You can "save" your favourites, and look at them again at any time
• You don't have to give them all your info when you sign up - so look carefully to see only the required items.
• You can "follow" people who have chosen to allow others to see their lists of cool things, but decide whether or not you want others to be able to follow you - and then make sure you've set up your account accordingly
• You can go back and change the interests that you originally checked off, (or didn't check off but wish you had)

     It's fun, and it's easy, and I hope you try it out (and hope even more that you like it). It's also a great distraction to help you get your mind off your pain when it's bad!  And, even if you don't use it for the purpose of communicating with others, but just for entertaining yourself, that's still a great thing, and it's a good break from recovery, even if only for a few minutes at a time. It's also evidence that the outside world still exists. I'm sure there are other such apps that would be applicable to this situation, this just happens to be the one I found, and enjoy. It's an unusual way to prepare for Christmas I know - but there is nothing about experiencing recovery without encountering the "unusuals" - so maybe it's not so unusual after all...
     Merry Christmas to you and yours - I hope your days are filled with blessings, energy, and friends, family, laughter and love, and great conversation too! ;P

Happy Christmas Prepping to Stumble not Bumble!

Tip #443 Choosing Cheer; Looking Out, Random Style

     If I were to ask you how you felt about being ill/injured, or what kind of demand it is on you to be a caregiver for a severely injured ill/person, what would you say? Would you say "Wow, this is the best life I've ever ever had, it's exactly what I dreamed about growing up?" Hmmmm, something tells me that will not be your first thought. And that's okay. Truly. It is hard.
     What would your first thought be then? Well, frankly it doesn't take all that much imagination to guess…. While we can learn to be content whatever our circumstances, while God's grace can be truly enough, while quality of life is possible in nearly any circumstance - even if not in conventional ways - sometimes it just feels like this whole mess of health stuff stinks. It really stinks. To say it's hard is the understatement of the century for many. It can feel like there is nothing left - no energy, no motivation, and certainly no desire to add more to our plates. The reality though is that that kind of thinking doesn't get us anywhere; acknowledging it is good, wearing it as a badge of identity is not all that conducive to cheer. You know what is conducive to cheer? Providing cheer. Yes, I know I just talked about having little energy at the moment, but stay with me for a minute or two…
     I am a woman blessed in so many ways, and have received kindness in the most unexpected places. I have been on both sides of the whole "Random Acts of Kindness" movement, and they are both especially amazing sides to be on. It doesn't take much to be kind, but it takes much (if not impossible) to forget about a kindness given to you. In no way do I want to toot my own horn, but here's a little opportunity that came up for me this week. There was an ET (not extra terrestrial… enterostomal) nurse here the other day to change out my feeding tube. ET nurses deal with holes (like a stomach hole that fits a feeding tube) and wounds (sometimes they're much like holes…) amongst other things. One of the tools she loves to use is honey. A specific kind of medical honey actually. There will be a post on the medical use of honey in wound care coming very soon, but for now allow me to say that there is a specific kind of honey that prevents (and assists in treating) infections, and has no equal when it comes to other specific kind of wound care issues. On this particular visit the nurse was interested in my brand of honey - as it was different brand and medium than what she uses in community.
     She explained to me that the type and consistency I use, paired with the method required for its use, is significantly cheaper than the current conventionally used brand (and method) in our medical community. Based on what she said, I calculated that my version (a $35 bottle for 40 doses) is significantly cheaper than the $50 version used in community for 8 doses. She told me that there is a woman she treats who desperately needs the honey treatments, else she has to continue with getting a few inches of scarring scraped from her wound each nursing visit. However, because she cannot afford the honey, and neither can she get the honey covered, once the sample she was able to get was finished, her wound was brutal again, and the scraping is the only option. Needless to say, I gave the nurse one of my bottles for her other patient (and since mine is covered, I have written the insurance company a $35 cheque).
     Amazing? No. It's a small kindness that will make a big difference. Exhausting? No; not physically, not emotionally, not hard at all. Requiring much planning? No. That wasn't possible - I didn't know of the opportunity until I was in it. It was an easy thing to do. And it was (mostly) random. And you know what? My heart is lighter.
     It is too easy to turn into ourselves, feel more introverted, and for some, to call "uncle" because we've had enough, and climb into the pit of despair. Severe illness or trauma, and caring for someone thereof can unfortunately do strange things to people… It can draw focus in, instead of encouraging one to look out. So, again, I suggest choosing cheer. Look and do something outside of yourself, despite the health of yourself or a loved one.
     I know it sounds easier to say than to do, but small things can make a huge difference. And, the small things - like smiling at someone or telling them they are doing a good job - are more than possible to carry out.. Maybe you'll find that if you build on the small things - well, then maybe they'll add up to a plethora of joy and cheer for you. That's the way it works for me. Click here to see some examples about how fun random acts of kindness can be; it's on a blog about making life beautiful and random acts of kindness definitely qualify.

Happy looking out!
 

Tip #352 Frightening Fear; Scarred by Scars

     Okay, I keep trying to think of a diplomatic way to say this, but I can't seem to get it right, so bare with me as I say - People can get all nutty about scars. Scars? "What is there to be nutty about you say?" Okay, if that's actually what you are saying, then don't bother reading the rest of this post. Congratulations on overcoming such a beast as not caring about scars. For the rest of the world,  if you'd like to discuss the illogical nuttiness that can ensue when people look at their scars, then read on:)

As an aside I'd like to acknowledge that when I am talking about scars, I speak out of experience as I have them all over me, (close to 40 incisions in all). But, I am not a burn victim or totally disfigured - and I do not mean to belittle or minimize what someone would have to go through in such circumstances. I am not writing about anything so devastating as that. Thanks. 


     I know that scars have been the topic of conversation - and often of consternation around certain times of the year; bathing suit season, wedding season, and the season we are experiencing now… Christmas. Of course, the link is that on these occasions a) you want to look your best for the gatherings  included in such seasons, and b) you are often wearing clothes that may expose your scars more. Granted this isn't nearly as likely if you are a man, but if you are not, then I'm guessing that you know what I am talking about….

    When it comes to being wise, my hubby is amazing. About scars he says "Who cares what people think?" and I am in total agreement. We should boldly accept that stance.

Very wise guy.

Absolutely right.

If only we were capable.

     Unfortunately, we women as a whole tend to be incapable of completely abandoning the desire to stop caring about what people think, especially what they might think about us or our family. Some are better than others and some, well, not so much. And no offence meant if you are a woman and have never and will never feel this way. If this is you - please share:) As a whole, I wouldn't say that I am terrible at this, but I am a work in progress - and sometimes that process is a slow one. Still, I do think that it's possible to care less and less about the scars over time - but only with good intention. How?
By introducing logic to emotion. Huh?
     I have a friend who says that logic and emotions are often like ships passing in the night.... I agree. Upon reflection, it seems to me that the two ships really are totally oblivious to each other's presence. So I ask this, if the goal is to have the two coexist peacefully, how do you form a good bond with someone you never see, never meet, and try not to bump into in the dark? Kind of tricky if you ask me. Not so good. So why not start there - introduce the two and get them to start hanging out together. I want them to be able to cross paths safely and peacefully, with respect. I know we don't always get what we want, but why not aim high? That's great Val, but how does that work exactly? And what does it have to do with scars? Finally, here's the point:)
     When I am personally feeling insecure about scars (or body changes related to illness), I introduce or reintroduce logic to emotion by reminding (and sometimes reciting) myself certain truths. For example, I think:

• They're scars. Nothing More. They don't make me a monster - no matter how people may react to them. And by the way - if we're doing a reality check, people don't tend to me feel like a monster. A lot of people stare, an sometimes I think it would truly be better for them to take a picture they are staring at it so hard! Still, not many notice, and very few comment. It's a bigger deal to me than to them. That's a good reminder too.  
• They are also a good reminder that I can do anything. After all, scars mean that you have endured something… you've overcome something worth overcoming…
• They are a rite of passage - a coming of age of sorts remind you that you are now wiser and stronger. It's like looking at stretch marks after a woman has a child, and wearing them as marks of valour, of motherhood, and triumph, and sacrifice and more. Why? cause the statements are true, but it's not the common observation. Still, it's true.
• Scars don't define you - you define you
• Beauty starts from the inside and works its way out - not the other way around (at the risk of sounding cliche).
• if someone can't handle seeing your scars, they should close their eyes. It's their problem to fix should they choose to do so - not yours. I repeat:) It's their issue.

     Maybe your truths will be different than mine. And maybe they will be truths about other more important issues; not scars. Still, I think the process is a good one (if I do say so myself:P). But we are not done yet. A meeting - by definition - is never complete until the second party has joined the foray! So, the next step? I introduce or reintroduce emotion to logic by acknowledging the icky-ness of it, and giving myself permission to feel icky about it. Why? Because you can't keep it all in. This is what I say to logic:

• Emotions are meant to be experienced… BUT (an important but), you don't get anywhere by dwelling on such things. Set a time limit if you need to, and plan to move forward
• Don't be harder on yourself than you would be on anyone else. You are as human as they
• The anxiety of something to occur is usually worse than the anxiety when it occurs. Once that "meeting" is complete, the icky things don't seem to have such power. 
• Love should never be anything but unconditional, and the same is true with respect to beauty

     I've gone back and reread this post and I am feeling fairly conflicted. It seems silly to me to have to go through all of those things to get past scars. I want to say "get over yourself" to myself!  If you're anything like me, then you don't let scars dictate how you live your life, so why are you writing tomes of info about scars and how to get over them?  I think part of the truth of it all is not so much the appearance of scars, but what they mean to us in the inside; a reminder of mortality, of trauma, of vulnerability, of imperfection, of hard things and of limits, of change, and so much more. Scars are an easy focus, and on top of it they remind us we are flawed. Unless we're only totally shallow - but I think that's a cop out. No, I don't think it's vain to get stuck on that for a bit -it's a feeling of loss that should be acknowledged. 

      Just don't forget to put it all into perspective. I know it's challenging when scars contribute to making us feel as though we appear flawed, not just that we are flawed and that some scars are more uncomfortable than others for different reasons, but perspective is important. Get rid of the magazine covers, stop doing the infinite amount of over-analyzing (which I'm clearly doing now), and accept what is true. There is so much more to life that can so easily be missed when we get hung up on things like scars.

     I don't even know how to end this post except to say, I am clearly one of the nutty ones when it comes to scars, even though I feel as though I'm past the distress of mine… I guess it's fair to say that for the most part scars and I have come to an understanding. I acknowledge their presence, I see their positive effects, I respect the emotions they evoke, and I use logic to keep from obsessing about them. In turn, they accept that I don't like them. And if that's not nutty I don't know what is! I guess that if nuttiness and scars were ships, they'd not pass in the night - they'd declare war. 

     In closing I will say that if you can relate to any of this post at all then know you are not alone, even if you are as nutty as me. LOL! And in the mean time I invite you to join my quest in getting logic and emotion to meet peacefully in all areas of life - not just about scars….

Happy nutty un-nutty-ing!