Tip #352 Frightening Fear; Scarred by Scars

     Okay, I keep trying to think of a diplomatic way to say this, but I can't seem to get it right, so bare with me as I say - People can get all nutty about scars. Scars? "What is there to be nutty about you say?" Okay, if that's actually what you are saying, then don't bother reading the rest of this post. Congratulations on overcoming such a beast as not caring about scars. For the rest of the world,  if you'd like to discuss the illogical nuttiness that can ensue when people look at their scars, then read on:)

As an aside I'd like to acknowledge that when I am talking about scars, I speak out of experience as I have them all over me, (close to 40 incisions in all). But, I am not a burn victim or totally disfigured - and I do not mean to belittle or minimize what someone would have to go through in such circumstances. I am not writing about anything so devastating as that. Thanks. 


     I know that scars have been the topic of conversation - and often of consternation around certain times of the year; bathing suit season, wedding season, and the season we are experiencing now… Christmas. Of course, the link is that on these occasions a) you want to look your best for the gatherings  included in such seasons, and b) you are often wearing clothes that may expose your scars more. Granted this isn't nearly as likely if you are a man, but if you are not, then I'm guessing that you know what I am talking about….

    When it comes to being wise, my hubby is amazing. About scars he says "Who cares what people think?" and I am in total agreement. We should boldly accept that stance.

Very wise guy.

Absolutely right.

If only we were capable.

     Unfortunately, we women as a whole tend to be incapable of completely abandoning the desire to stop caring about what people think, especially what they might think about us or our family. Some are better than others and some, well, not so much. And no offence meant if you are a woman and have never and will never feel this way. If this is you - please share:) As a whole, I wouldn't say that I am terrible at this, but I am a work in progress - and sometimes that process is a slow one. Still, I do think that it's possible to care less and less about the scars over time - but only with good intention. How?
By introducing logic to emotion. Huh?
     I have a friend who says that logic and emotions are often like ships passing in the night.... I agree. Upon reflection, it seems to me that the two ships really are totally oblivious to each other's presence. So I ask this, if the goal is to have the two coexist peacefully, how do you form a good bond with someone you never see, never meet, and try not to bump into in the dark? Kind of tricky if you ask me. Not so good. So why not start there - introduce the two and get them to start hanging out together. I want them to be able to cross paths safely and peacefully, with respect. I know we don't always get what we want, but why not aim high? That's great Val, but how does that work exactly? And what does it have to do with scars? Finally, here's the point:)
     When I am personally feeling insecure about scars (or body changes related to illness), I introduce or reintroduce logic to emotion by reminding (and sometimes reciting) myself certain truths. For example, I think:

• They're scars. Nothing More. They don't make me a monster - no matter how people may react to them. And by the way - if we're doing a reality check, people don't tend to me feel like a monster. A lot of people stare, an sometimes I think it would truly be better for them to take a picture they are staring at it so hard! Still, not many notice, and very few comment. It's a bigger deal to me than to them. That's a good reminder too.  
• They are also a good reminder that I can do anything. After all, scars mean that you have endured something… you've overcome something worth overcoming…
• They are a rite of passage - a coming of age of sorts remind you that you are now wiser and stronger. It's like looking at stretch marks after a woman has a child, and wearing them as marks of valour, of motherhood, and triumph, and sacrifice and more. Why? cause the statements are true, but it's not the common observation. Still, it's true.
• Scars don't define you - you define you
• Beauty starts from the inside and works its way out - not the other way around (at the risk of sounding cliche).
• if someone can't handle seeing your scars, they should close their eyes. It's their problem to fix should they choose to do so - not yours. I repeat:) It's their issue.

     Maybe your truths will be different than mine. And maybe they will be truths about other more important issues; not scars. Still, I think the process is a good one (if I do say so myself:P). But we are not done yet. A meeting - by definition - is never complete until the second party has joined the foray! So, the next step? I introduce or reintroduce emotion to logic by acknowledging the icky-ness of it, and giving myself permission to feel icky about it. Why? Because you can't keep it all in. This is what I say to logic:

• Emotions are meant to be experienced… BUT (an important but), you don't get anywhere by dwelling on such things. Set a time limit if you need to, and plan to move forward
• Don't be harder on yourself than you would be on anyone else. You are as human as they
• The anxiety of something to occur is usually worse than the anxiety when it occurs. Once that "meeting" is complete, the icky things don't seem to have such power. 
• Love should never be anything but unconditional, and the same is true with respect to beauty

     I've gone back and reread this post and I am feeling fairly conflicted. It seems silly to me to have to go through all of those things to get past scars. I want to say "get over yourself" to myself!  If you're anything like me, then you don't let scars dictate how you live your life, so why are you writing tomes of info about scars and how to get over them?  I think part of the truth of it all is not so much the appearance of scars, but what they mean to us in the inside; a reminder of mortality, of trauma, of vulnerability, of imperfection, of hard things and of limits, of change, and so much more. Scars are an easy focus, and on top of it they remind us we are flawed. Unless we're only totally shallow - but I think that's a cop out. No, I don't think it's vain to get stuck on that for a bit -it's a feeling of loss that should be acknowledged. 

      Just don't forget to put it all into perspective. I know it's challenging when scars contribute to making us feel as though we appear flawed, not just that we are flawed and that some scars are more uncomfortable than others for different reasons, but perspective is important. Get rid of the magazine covers, stop doing the infinite amount of over-analyzing (which I'm clearly doing now), and accept what is true. There is so much more to life that can so easily be missed when we get hung up on things like scars.

     I don't even know how to end this post except to say, I am clearly one of the nutty ones when it comes to scars, even though I feel as though I'm past the distress of mine… I guess it's fair to say that for the most part scars and I have come to an understanding. I acknowledge their presence, I see their positive effects, I respect the emotions they evoke, and I use logic to keep from obsessing about them. In turn, they accept that I don't like them. And if that's not nutty I don't know what is! I guess that if nuttiness and scars were ships, they'd not pass in the night - they'd declare war. 

     In closing I will say that if you can relate to any of this post at all then know you are not alone, even if you are as nutty as me. LOL! And in the mean time I invite you to join my quest in getting logic and emotion to meet peacefully in all areas of life - not just about scars….

Happy nutty un-nutty-ing!